OnLy FoR yOu My LoVe <3

So since the last time I posted alot of shit has happend. My ex-boyfriend Justin Schelble died on Snuday the 2nd from a house fire started in his ex-girlfriends dining room. I found out on monday from Michelle ( another ex of justins ) And ever since I found out..its consumed my mind. Like I never had a friend die...it was always adults but he was only 19. And I have a history with him. We dated for about almost 2 months of the months of December -January of 2005. Right after i got pregnant i dated him. We had fun. But there was always problems cause we could never hang out at his house cause his mom was a bitch and my gma didnt want him in the house either so we ended up breaking up over it. And thats when his life completly downspirled. He got into drugs really bad and what not. Then he was homeless..He had a tough life. I wish I coulda helped him. But I couldnt. I never would of thought justin would die or not so young. So his wake was yesterday so me and Michelle went. There were alot of people. And alot of young people too. It was a closed casket cause the burns were so bad I guess. We only stayed long enough to sign the book, go up to the casket and pray and to hug his mother. Then we left cause we didnt wanna jus stand there and cry for two hours. It was hard on both me and michelle cause we both cared about him so much. But ya...Idk....ill write more later =[

Yep. My life is slowly falling apart. Ashleys moved on. Carl could careless. And sam wants me more than ever. But I cant date him. I have very limited options. A- I can beg ashley to take me back but knowing that i need and want carl B- be lil FWB with carl and have nothing left but that or C- Date sam and be completely unhappy. Nothing right now sounds good. I want ashley to want me. And I want carl to want me. But now this whole thing has backfired cause now no one wants me...lol..its kinda amusing that one lil lapse of judgement can cause so much pain and cause so many problems. Life is weird like that I guess 

<3 steph

Wow 2 weeks since I last wrote. And it seems like in those past 2 weeks my life has fallen apart basically. Me and ash are still broken up and so are me and carl. Carl and I dated for about a total of 2 days before Sam told me that he was with some other girl which completely broke my heart cause I dumped ash for him and I slept with him so it was like a slap in the face. After that I kept hanging around and drinking with them. Which is rather weird seeming that I feel awkward around Carl. But one night he came home from the club he was workin at and he sat in the bathroom cause Moriah, Shawn and Sam were still sleeping and he still wanted to drink and listen to music. So I walked into the bathroom and was talking to him like about the fact that Im not over him yet and I wanted to be absolutely sure that we are done so I can move on and he sat there and told me he still had feelings for me too and he denied the whole other girl thing. So we sat there till about 4am and then Shawn had to go to work so when he got up for work so did evryone else so me n carl came out of the bathroom we all chilled and sometime that morning he told moriah he wanted to date me again and what not which i believed like a fucking loser. So now me and carl I guess are jsut friends who have sex. Which for now is ok but i dont wanna be fuck buddies for months on end. I really like him. Its the kind of like where when i call him I have a million things to talk about but the words wont come out or when we are in person i shake cause Im scared he'll notice that im counting his breathes, the kind of like where I count the hours I spend with him. Im not obsessed...I just love being near him. But the minute i get home I wanna be with ashley. And now Shawn is back in my life and I dont know what to do. I have a guy who I could possible love now, a girl who I do love now and an ex boyfriend who will always be in my life and in my heart. How much more confussing can life possibly get?!....But other than that my gma hates me. Cause last night Moriah and her boyfriend Shawn went to the bisons game so me and the baby went over to hang out with sam n carl. Well the baby passed out for bed around 9pm. So sam went to the store to buy some beer n smironoff. So we drank a lil bit and I completely lost track of time. I was suppose to be home at 11. Well 11:30pm my gma calls sams phone bitching that I need to come home and by then i was kinda drunk so I jus ignored her wishes and spent the night..sam left so me n carl layed down and the rest is pretty ovbious. I came home and my gma said I have to move out cause Im not following her rules. Which pissed me off cause none of this made sense. There was no reason why I couldnt spend the night. the baby was fine where she was ya know!? So idk...as of right now im staying here as long as I dont fuck up again. lol..ill write more later cause my wrist is startin to hurt <33

<3 steph

i don’t know why we play these games --
you pretending to care,
me pretending that i don’t

So basically me and ashley are over with. Which sucks cause I love her soo much but I cant do this anymore and Im picking carl over her. And Im not even sure if me and carl are gonna date. So Im risking everything right now. And I know she wont take me back this time cause ive done this too many times to her. So if this whole me n carl thing doesnt work im fucked. I do love  her. I just dont love the situation we are in. And I wanna go party tonight but no babysitter :( So idk..Im gonna talk my gma into babysitting